(_ _")

A man was out in the Chinese wilderness and he was hopelessly lost. It had been nearly three weeks since he had eaten anything besides what he could forage and he had been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.

One afternoon he came upon an old mansion in the woods. It had vines covering most of it and the man couldn't see any other buildings in the area. However, he saw smoke coming out of the chimney. He knocked on the door and an old man with a beard almost down to the ground answered. The old man squinted his eyes and asked,
  
"What do you want?"

The man said, "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight." 

The old Chinese man said, "I'll let you come in on one condition. You absolutely cannot mess around with my granddaughter."

The man, exhausted and hungry, readily agreed. "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning."

The old Chinese man replied, "Okay, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man."

"Okay, Okay," the man said as he entered the old house.

That night, when the man came down to have his dinner (after showering), he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, he had gone many, many months without sex. The girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather. They couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.

That night, the man snuck into the girl's bedroom and they had quite a time. The man crept back to his room later that night, thinking to himself,

"Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience."

The next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign that said. "First Chinese torture test: 100-pound rock on your chest."



"What a lame torture test," the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window.

He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock was another sign saying, "Second Chinese torture test: right testicle tied to rock."
The rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, so he quickly jumped out the window after the rock. Outside the window was a third sign saying,  

"Third Chinese torture test: left testicle tied to bedpost."